Darkest moments

My story with Kyle was just beginning as we waited to hear what was wrong with our perfect boy, the mri and scan showed nothing so they performed a lumbar puncture to rule out meningitis, God I can still hear him screaming having that done, it took two doctors and two nurses to hold him down to do it. We spent eight long days in hospital with him being given antibiotics through a drip every six hours, his poor hands were destroyed from where he tryed to get the "Freddie" out, he hated it. We were told that they couldn't find anything wrong and to go home and it would probably never happen again, how wrong they were five weeks later it happened again, he was asleep in his cot and I heard the scream and ran he, he was blue around the mouth and I started shaking him to try and wake him, another ambulance ride to the hospital and straight into ICU. I was beside myself and was actually physically sick that this was happening again. Everytime Kyle went asleep he had a seizure and they lasted six to seven mins each, that night he had eleven seizures and he was eventually sedated to give his poor little body a rest. That was the longest night of my life and as we waited for the consultant to see us the next day a fear was building inside me. The words that the doctor had said to me when I lost my baby came back to bite me in the ass, "better to lose a child now than have a severely disabled child later on" I could hear them ringing in my ears, was this the situation I now found myself in?
The Consultant came in and said I have to tell you your child has epilepsy and its so severe that he will need medication to control it and also medication to stop a seizure if he has more of them! He told me Kyle was classed as a medical emergency and that if any seizure lasted more than five minutes he was to brought into the hospital. I barely listened after that, all I could think of was please just get out of this room and leave me alone before I break down, I think he could sense my despair and left. Kyle was in his buggy and was smiling up at me and my heart was breaking for him, I asked my dad to bring him for a walk that I needed to be by myself for a while so he did what I asked, as soon as he left the corridor I shut the door and fell to the floor and howled, I wailed so loudly the nurses ran in to see what was going on and found me curled up in a ball in the corner of the room. A big mug of very sweet tea was produced and I was gently put on a chair and left alone.
That day it felt like my perfect child died and I was given a changeling in his place, I could barely bring myself to look at him. I felt this was my fault, my fault for not wanting a boy in the first place so I was in some way being punished. My fault that I didn't produce a perfect child, I believe in Karma and I thought I had done something really awful to someone or something to have my child deserve such a fate. I descended into despair and self pity. All our lives had changed that day, little did we know that this was just the beginning of the Storm.

Its life Jim but not as we know it!!

Kyle was a very placid baby, he slept when he was supposed to, fed when he was hungry and hardly ever cryed. I thought that his perfect temperament was a reward from God for putting up with having a very difficult child beforehand. Two and a half years of bliss with him ensured, he was such a joy to have, it never occurred to us that his speech wasn't age appropriate, that he walked at seventeen months in comparison to Lauren at ten months, he was just our perfect child and we felt blessed.
However our bliss was shortlived as at the age of two and half while getting ready for bed in our room he suddenly let out a earsplitting scream, it was almost inhuman, his eyes started to roll and he started to foam at the mouth, dear god what was going on with my beautiful boy, we immediately called a ambulance and then my parents to look after Lauren while we quickly bundled him into the ambulance and sped off towards Tallaght hospital.
I will never forget that journey, all sorts of things ran through my mind. He arrived into a and e and was admitted that night for observation, they thought it was viral and he would be fine so I left to come home and my husband stayed with him, I had to get Lauren to school the next day and the plan was to go to the hospital straight afterwards, however this plan failed as at six in the morning I got a frantic call from Gary to say it had happened again and to come immediately.
I dressed myself not really knowing if the right clothes went on the right places and ran like a banshee from my parents house with my dad hot on my heels, we raced to the hospital and within five minutes of me being there it happened again, I was beside myself, all sorts of possibilities were being thrown out there by the doctors, could be meningistis, could be brain tumour we are going to do a mri and a cat scan to see whats going on, he will be sedated for the next while to stop the seizures. I watched as they took my baby down to the theatre with me running after his bed, he looked so small and helpless with tubes everywhere and I realised we were in for a very harrowing time.

Part two.

The following morning I woke up in hospital with the words from the doctor the night before haunting me, 'there was obviously something severely wrong with your baby and its better that this happened now rather than deal with a disabled child later on' I didn't care what the baby would have had I still wanted my child and nothing was going to bring my baby back. I left with a heavy heart that ached for what could have been and prepared myself to greet the healthy child I already had. She didn't understand why Mummy was so sad, I finally decided I needed to kick myself up the backside and get on with it.
The docs recommended getting pregnant again straight away and thats pretty much what happened, I didn't dare allow myself to hope that this baby would stay put and worried constantly. This pregnancy however was text book, everything was perfect and due to my previous difficulties a c.section was planned because they would not risk me going into labour.
Five weeks before the birth I found out I was expecting a boy, I have to be honest and say I was dissapointed, I always saw myself as a mother of girls not boisterous energetic boys. I tried to get excited but failed miserably, of course my husband was thrilled as all men usually are when they know they have a son.
The fateful day finally came and I was gowned up and this time walked into the operating theatre, that was such a different experience to the first time and one I didn't like because I could see all the instruments fully and I began to wail with nerves, after what seemed like a eternity Kyle made his appearance into the world, he was the image of his sister and had a shock of jet black hair, well of course that explained the awful heartburn I had!! He was perfect, all seven pounds seven ounces of him and I fell in love all over again.

I can't believe I am joining the ranks of my distinguished fellow bloggers but here goes nothing. This blog starts at the beginning of my journey into motherhood. Shortly after getting married in 1999 I fell pregnant, I had wanted to have a baby so much but the pregnancy that followed was marred with sickness and eventual bed rest from five months in until the day our precious daughter was delivered. Nothing about this pregnancy or birth was conventional, the day finally arrived for the birth as I was scheduled for a induction only to find I had gone into labour naturally anyway, I was hooked up to monitors for baby's heartbeat as she had gone into distress, 24 long hours later and a host of nurses and doctors burst into the room and announced that I would need a emergency c.section, the baby was fine but I wasn't doing so well, before I knew where I was I was lying on the operating table and Lauren was delivered in six minutes flat, it was the longest six minutes of my life and as I lay there listening to her cry and my husband saying its a girl I shook my head in disbelief and pure exhaustion. She was finally here and so my story begins.
Lauren was not a easy baby, in fact she had reflux and cried constantly, she was never out of my arms and had to be rocked for hours to get to sleep. My parents babysat for us one night and when we came back they shoved her into my arms and literally ran from the house as if she was a demon possessed. As time went on the reflux settled and she thrived but still she was constantly in my arms needing attention, I fell into depression and needed help and was promptly marched to the doctor when I ended up banging my head off the wall in frustration and exhaustion. Things got better for me after that but Lauren never gave me a chance, she was so active and walked at ten months, crawling just wasn't for her, she talked early too. She had daddy wrapped around her little finger.
Three years passed by and I had this clingy but beautiful little girl, I didn't want anymore children as she literally had put me off for life but my husband was a only child and he didn't want her to be on her own so I relented and agreed to have another baby, I fell pregnant quickly and allowed myself to get excited all over again, twelve weeks in and I got sick, a very sore throat and cough so I decided to go to the doctor, she confirmed my pregnancy and gave me antibiotics so I went home and went to bed, about a hour later I got up and went to the bathroom with unbearable pain and realised I was losing my precious baby, A emptyness hit me and we rushed to the hospital, as I waited to see the heartbeat on the scan I knew something wasn't right, the doctor looked at me and said 'are you sure of your dates' then I knew there was a problem, I said yes and she said well the scan is showing up at five weeks, a lot of pregnancies fail in the fifth week and there is no heartbeat. A black mist descended over me and I felt I had failed my husband, I kept apologising to him over and over again, how could this happen? We already had one healthy child, what was going on. I was sent home and had a full miscarriage and ended up back in hospital that night with my sister for company. It was her thirthieth birthday and we had lost my baby and her future niece or nephew on that day. Even now when her birthday arrives I descend into despair and wonder about what could have been.