Monday, February 1, 2010

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus!!

Todays sermon ladies and gentleman is a bit of a delicate subject,  recently I have been experiencing difficulties in my marriage, you see once upon a time girl meets boy decides to settle down and get married and have children and everything will be blissfully happy right?  Wrong! I am ashamed to say that before I had my children I took pity on parents of special needs children, how awful a life if you could call it that did they have with these children. I never for one moment thought that I would be in the same position as they were but here I am and I now hate to see the pitying looks you get when your child has a meltdown or has difficulties at school, the smiles that don't quite meet the eyes or worse the ones who cross the road to avoid having to deal with you at all! Its hard enough to get other people to understand it let alone your partner in all of this. This definitely can separate even the strongest of marriages, you have two choices, either you pull together and be stronger as a result of the challenge ahead of you or you fall apart and go in opposite directions.
Unfortunately it is usually the mother who ends up doing most for the child or children with special needs and the dad gets the verbal bits of what is being done to help them but we need support in order to keep us going and fight the battles that need to be fought. I am not sure if men in general get that we need someone strong and supportive that we can lean on when times get tough for us, in my case my hubbie is a wonderful dad but I am not sure he GETS IT, I think some men find it very difficult to cope with accepting that their child is different and almost go around with blinkers on until something comes to hit them over the head and it dawns on them that all is not ok. Mothers instinct is to nature and nurture and men just tag along for the ride.

Why is it that things have to be pointed out to them before they realise that something needs to be done surely its not that difficult to pick up on that you need help and support and a shoulder to cry one when things get a bit bumpy along the way. Well as this blog says they are from Mars and need that gentle nudge ( or big kick) to realise that things are not all that they seem. Marriage is tough enough without having special needs kids thrown into the mix which can stretch a relationship to breaking point and make you want to pull your hair out in frustration.

However we plod along willing to give it a go and make the best situation we can for our children, not everyone will survive their relationship and some will probably be better off for that, we all have tough times and hit rocky patches, some people will have them more than others and some are lucky that they are strong enough to survive whatever stands in their way, I plan to be the one who survives anything that stands in my relationships way but that doesn't mean it will be easy, oh no I expect lots of pitfalls along the way, and plenty of kicks up the backside for himself to remind him to GET IT!!!


  1. You have courage by the shedload to broach this really is a thorny issue.
    With me and james, we were at very different stages in the grieving process.
    The minute autism was even suggested, I spent a year crying and gnashing my teeth while James manfully flung himself into "fixing" Bob, life, the Universe and Everything.
    I thought he was unfeeling, while he thought I was wallowing in self-pity and that I should grow a pair and just get on with it.
    By the time I was getting my head around it, he took an epic nose-dive and we nearly killed each other.
    Now we're grand. We had a strong relationship to begin with, but autism fairly tested our mettle.
    I think when the love is there, that you'll muddle through it. If things are shakey to start with, you're in hot water tho.
    Well done for bringing this up...maybe it'll get a few of us talking XXX

  2. Andra I am so grateful for your post today.It has reassured me once again that I am not alone in this. I rarely comment on blogs as I am not at that stage yet of being able to speak openly on the whole autism issue and the impact it has. Even though I am 3 years down the road it is still difficult at times. I really admire those of you who blog.
    Right now my own marriage is on its last legs and not sure if we can hold it together. But like you said there are many ups and downs so hopefully we can survive the bumps along the way.

    Thanks. Your blogs make inspirational reading xx

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  4. Hi Andra, as you may know my marriage did not survive, tho' special needs kids were only part of it. But you are absolutely right about the fixing part - that was the one bit that my ex could get his head around. Unfortunately I think he took it worse when he found out that some of the problems could not be fixed - he hasn't taken up access to our daughter with cerebral palsy for over a year....hopefully your husband will 'get it' soon.

  5. No doubt that men see things differently, sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes it causes waves. We muddled through ok because my husband was one of the very few people who stood by me when I was convinced something was amiss with our child. I never ever had to argue the point with him and I am so grateful for that. He absolutely supported me when very few people did, and he agreed with me too (always the safer option!). Having an SN kid puts huge extra strain on a couple, absolutely no doubt about it. I don't doubt that we will face some very rocky patches ourselves, I hope I can deal with them with your grace and poise. Lovely post hun, a difficult issue to raise and you did it beautifully:) Jen xx I should add that if my other half had not been as supportive I would be telling a very different story because it would be too much for me to deal with on top of everything else.

  6. What a brillian, honest post. I can see how so marriages of children wit special needs break down. There's no doubt that Mr Taz and I have had our share of problems, but now we're in a good place. I once heard an elderly woman being asked what the secret to her long marriage was and she replied "we never fell out of love at the same time" :)

  7. What a brave post. Unfortunately, the divorce rate amongst couples with an autistic child is 80% I believe! I hope that your hubby gets it and you both start pulling together soon chick.

    As for me? You know I have a big patio.... xxx

  8. Well done brave Andra! Difficult and honest post.

    We've had issues here too...usually because I'm stressed out so much. Or certainly was in the past. As Mr Jazzy out working all day he gets a break from it all and NEVER has to deal with the homework issues. He, of course doesn't see it like that...he's "out working" you see! I know what that infers but there's no point in arguing the toss. I did try...after all I did both when I was job sharing;))

    Men, generally speaking, don't get it at all. Mr Jazzy didn't accept there was something wrong in the first place so I had to convince him too. I mostly deal with all the Autism and school stuff. He finally accepted it and understood what was wrong. Or so I thought! Two years after diagnosis, sitting chatting one day and he comes out with a classic..... " Autism?? I thought he had ADHD"!!!

    Oh yeah....different planets for sure!

    I do hope things work out for you and that you both find the bridge between both planets;)) Failing that...I do hope Petunia has a very large patio for us all!! xx Jazzy

  9. How large is that patio exactly?? WE all have days when we could rent a space on it i'd say.. like some other posters myself and him indoors went through completely different stages at different times, and thankfully when one of us hit the wall the other was able to keep going until we caught up.. thanks for raising the subject, good to get us thinking !

  10. I admire your honesty and your candor, many people experience it but few are brave enough to have a discussion about it. It is therapeutic for those who are going through it but are to ashamed to admit it or to embarrassed to talk about it. I, am going it alone and am glad of it actually because mostly all I hear are complaints about how men cannot cope with their special needs child(ren). But my heart goes out to you Andra and I wish you the best of the best and I do know that you are a very strong woman and that you have the where-with-all to get through it all. Big Hugs to ye!!

  11. Andra as iv told you before, i admire you so much.
    Your strength and determination is amazing. Fair play to you for telling it as it is. I really hope things work out for you, not just for the kids but for you. you do so much for everyone else u deserve help and happiness in your life too.

  12. snap!!! but thankfully we are on the other side now and heads above water for a while at least... its not bloody easy, being parents to 4 kids, 2 with ASD, its total crap, thanks for putting it out there Andra, kudos to you xx

  13. i think we all go through bad patches and dips andra, but we muddle through as the love we share for our kids is too strong to pull us apart

    you will be fine, youl fight for your kids and youl win some and loose some, but you will get through it. your stronger than you think xx